Starting Over

“Quitting is not giving up; it’s choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it’s realizing that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it’s learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things (or people) that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.” ~Osayi Osar-Emokpae, Impossible Is Stupid

In February 2015, I made a brave (yet a risky) decision. I quit my job without having another position lined up. This was something I had never done before. Yet, I now realize I made the right decision; I’ve learned that it’s OK to be proud of risky decisions like this one–because you never know where they might take you next. So why did I quit my job? I was 31, living in a spacious 2-bedroom condo by myself, I finally had my own garage and backyard, and I had accomplished my main goal of starting a new career in a higher-level administrative role at a university (and in study abroad–what I thought was my dream job). Like I did when I moved to Pennsylvania to attend college, I wanted to live and breathe a new town with all new people. Being an introvert, this was good for me; I thought I was doing the right thing. But my first day on the new job, I had a horrible feeling in my stomach; I made a dreadful mistake. I stuck it out for 11 months. And that was 11 months too long. Most everyone (friends and co-workers) thought I was crazy when I turned in my 3-weeks notice to my supervisor. “You still have tuition to pay for grad school, and you don’t have another job lined up? How will you survive?”

What I wanted to say (but couldn’t) was: “Because it’s better than being miserable here.”

Even though I wanted to quit on several occasions, I kept thinking, “I am being tested and put in this position for a reason. I’m learning a lot (mostly what not to do), so it’s got to get better than this.” But what sparked my decision to quit for real was one day in January. I called my mom in tears (as I did most days when I came home from work) and said, “I can’t do this anymore.” That day, my supervisor (she became my supervisor just a month after I started; the supervisor who originally hired me abruptly left), who had already made several humiliating comments about me and study abroad in front of co-workers several days, took the cake. During a meeting with several well-respected administrators in the registrar’s office, my supervisor said the hurtful words of “I blame Cassie for all of this.” Since I internalize everything, I am a big proponent of “think before you speak.” My supervisor was the exact opposite. From day one, she said everything on her mind without any concern for how her words were negatively affecting others (and it wasn’t just me–there were several emotional breakdowns in the office). Without first taking me aside to discuss issues she had one-on-one, she blurted things about me in front of others. This was unprofessional and several times, I thought about turning in a grievance report to her supervisor.

Filing a grievance report is one thing I regret not doing because since I try to always see the good in people, I thought, “maybe the main reason why she is so hard on me is because, as the executive director of international programs, she has zero experience with study abroad. Therefore, since she doesn’t know anything about my position, she takes it out on me.” I really was a one-person office and was on my own to handle both the outgoing and incoming study abroad students, recruiting, scholarships, and putting together a new student organization for domestic and international students. Basically, whenever the words “study abroad” came up around campus, I had to handle it. When I asked for help from my supervisor or other employees, study abroad was a bother to them. Sadly, I learned too late that there was no institutional support for study abroad. Soon, I couldn’t keep up and was missing deadlines; and my supervisor was very cold with me. We barely spoke to each other unless we had to and towards the end, I stopped trying.

This is not how a job should be. No matter how much the pay is. For months I dragged myself out of bed every morning, and got butterflies in my stomach everytime I walked up to the building because I kept thinking, “what else can I get in trouble for now?” My self-esteem was shot and I constantly doubted myself. I was in a dark place for 11 months because of this job. No job should make you feel like that. As the cliche goes, “Do what you love;” I was not. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go into higher education administration anymore. And yet, here I was working on my masters in that field.

My advice to anyone who has problematic issues with co-workers is to not be afraid to speak up; there were times when I wanted to say so much to my supervisor, but because we decided to avoid each other, I did not have the guts to talk to her. Secondly, you have a right to file a grievance. Because if you don’t (and I didn’t), that employee will not learn and make the same mistakes with others.

“What’s worked for me is… when I don’t believe in myself, turning to others who believe in me.” ~Marc Jacobs

So how did I make it for 11 months? There were two people who got me through such a challenging time in my life. One was God. After months of searching, I found a methodist church that did an evening contemporary service. I truly believe God was speaking to me through one of the ministers there; he was so uplifting that the first night I heard him, I got into my car after the service and wept–but with a smile on my face. Soon, I brought my mother with me and she did the same thing. All of the challenges he mentioned in his sermons were the exact same challenges I was facing. Soon, I bought a new bible and started delving into the scriptures like I should have done a long ago.

The second person was my mother–aka my best friend. Though I tried my best to make it exactly a year at the university before quitting, after the phone call I made that day in January, she said, “you’re unhappy and you’re coming home.” After all, my entire personality changed in that I was pessimistic about everything, I wasn’t eating because of the stress, and pretty much every weekend, I went home because I had no interest in making friends in the city I was living. And you know what? Life is too short to be in a job you hate. Though I love my family, many of them have a history of staying in the same job year after year without doing anything about it; and they complain along the way. I didn’t want to be like that. I want to embrace life; “just say no” to unhappy and depressed. I don’t need expensive vacations or fancy clothes to be happy. It’s the memories–the little things that I remember most. I wish more people believed that.

Without faith and family (the two most important things in my life), I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through such a challenging period. But I agree that every rough period we go through, it is god’s way of testing us. Today, I am doing temp work at a university, and I know one day I will find a permanent position that I am meant to be in. Most importantly, I will be a bit more selective in finding a place where I am happy. The best is yet to come, all.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

For those of you who are considering quitting your job, ask the following questions first:

1. Am I happy? (more specifically, do I look forward to going to work?)

2. Do I feel I am doing something worthwhile to help others?

3. Am I appreciated and respected by others and do I appreciate and respect them?

4. Does this align with my career goals?

5. Do I maintain a healthy work-life balance?

If the answers to all of these questions are no (as they were for me), there is no doubt that it’s time for you to leave! If there are some no’s and yes’s, start looking! You never know when opportunity will come a knockin’!